Timing

Warning: this is personal.

Pregnancy. It's a crazy emotional journey. Around here pregnant women are like popcorn, one kernel pops and the rest are quick to follow. Then soon they're surrounding you and it leaves you feeling suffocated and a bit irritated. Jake and I will be married four years this fall, which some would say is a lonnng time to not have kids. It's a big decision and it's one we did not take lightly. So after years of waiting, we finally decided it was time. That was the hardest part, I thought. Now I'll get pregnant in a jiffy and that babe will be here in no time. I was wrong and oh so naive!

First of all, it took a few months for the birth control to get out of my system. A process my skin LOVED. Hellooo acne! Then the six months mark happened, and I learned timing was rather important so I a bought an ovulation test. After much research, I figured it out and wah-bam! I got a double line on Thanksgiving morning. But as quickly as the joy came... it soon left with a miscarriage. Another thing I was clueless about. We have never experienced something quite as painful. It left me bitter and confused, but it was a lesson I needed to learn. I've always been one to plan things to a fault and this was in Heavenly Fathers hands, not mine. I was not in control of my own body.

So we relaxed and took a break, but soon enough I got the feeling that it was time to try again. When it came time to find out, it had been almost a year of trying and I was fully prepared to wait longer. I sat in the dark and prayed that no matter what that little stick of destiny said, we would be okay. After a while, my heart beat calmed down and I flipped on the light. Double lines! My mouth opened in shock and I sat there giggling for a few minutes. Then I ran into the bedroom and jumped on top of Jake to wake him up and tell him the news. The excitement and hope was palpable but then came the fear. Any twinge of pelvic pain would send me down a black hole of anxiety and memories from the first time. That continued for a few sick and painful weeks, but when we finally saw that baby bean on the ultrasound our guard went down and we couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. So there is something growing in there!

Ten weeks later and I'm still worried. I probably always will be! That's part of being a mother, right? After everything that's happened, I find myself looking down at this round bitty bump and feeling sooo immensely grateful for the experiences that led me here. There is a plan for each and every one of us and sometimes you have to sit back and let the pieces fall where they may. So for those of you who are trying or waiting or popping them out like hot cakes, I commend you. It's a scary and serious job, childbearing. One that each woman does differently. Our journey is our own and we could not be more delighted and blessed to be starting this adventure!

Motherhood, here I come.