Monday

It's 7 AM on a Monday. Graham got me up at 5:30 as did JoJo who thinks she is small enough to sleep under our bed which is definitely not the case. Really should start going to bed earlier but when Jake is gone I struggle. Now Graham and I are watching the sunrise and making pancakes. 

Jake just left for six weeks of training in Montgomery Alabama.  You have to say that in a southern accent. It's been pretty lonely and crazy here without him. And it's only been two days. But these boys are very hard. Love them to death but if there was a boarding school for toddlers I would probably pay big money to send them there right now. So much screaming and fighting and hitting, I think I'll start wearing headphones are on the house just to stay sane. Mckell is flying in on Friday, thank heaven. She and I will make the TWENTY hour drive to Zion sometime next week.

Until then I'll try my best to create new activities in the summer heat. They are currently obsessed with jumping on the tramp with sprinklers. Naked. I fixed up their play kitchen in hopes that it'll distract them while I'm cleaning and making meals. I'm going to try to meditate this week, which is hard for me. to sit still. But Gabrielle Bernstein says it will fix all my problems so... guess I'll give it a go. Send any tips my way! Thinking about making my extra bedroom into a dreamy zen den... whatever that means. ;) 

love and fury

There's this thing that happened when I had another kid... my life turned into an insane zoo of diapers and potty training. Then there was the moving and traveling. Blogging wasn't important.

Over a year later and I'm like... maybe it is, because it was an outlet for me to say things. I sit here all day with two boys who are adorable but not great conversationalists. Then Jake comes home and we're both too exhausted to talk about much. My blog was a place for me to put down my thoughts and the moments that matter. Then I look back and it and am reminded why I love this crazy life I signed up for. SOOO here we go....

A lot has happened in the last year.

We learned we were leaving California to teach pilot training in Del Rio, Texas. Just a few miles from the Mexican border. I was in denial for quite some time. Now we're here, living in a house we bought and I'm like wow, this is real. Miles is one now, he runs around with his adorable curls and pot belly. He still hasn't grown teeth, he's still very much my baby. Graham is three and in preschool three times a week. The kid has soo much personality. Quite the handful. My days are a frizzy mess, trying to keep us busy, keep the house clean, etc etc. I've been battling the blues, desperately wishing I was closer to home and family.

I recently listened to Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. She describes my current situation perfectly. She says, "We get ourselves a mortgage and a minivan. We find a church. Who could ask for more? Life at home with three kids is rich, bursting at the seams with love, but I am stunned by the amount of work that caring for my children requires. Their needs are relentless. From dawn to dusk and then through the night I am reacting, responding, juggling, dripping with children. I am running a never-ending relay race, and since I am the only runner, I keep passing the baton back and forth to myself. My exhaustion is total. It is the best of times and the worst of times. I am both lonely and never alone. I am simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed. I am saturated with touch---desperate to get the baby off of me and the second I put him down I yearned to smell his sweet skin again. These days require more than I am physically and emotionally capable of, while requiring nothing from my brain. I had thoughts today, idea, real things to say, and no one to hear them.
    I feel manic all day, alternating between love and fury. At least once an hour I looked at their faces and thought I might not survive the tenderness of my love for them. The next moment I am furious. I feel like a dormant volcano, stead on the outside but ready to explode and spew hot lava at any moment. And then I notice he doesn't fit into his onesie anymore and I start to panic at the reminder that this will be over soon, that it's fleeting-- that this hardest time of my life is supposed to be the best time of my life. That this brutal time is also the most beautiful time. Am I enjoying it enough? Am I missing the best time of my life? Am I too tired to be properly in love? That fear and shame felt like adding a heavy, itchy blanket on top of all the hard.
    But I am not complaining, so please don't try to fix it. I wouldn't have my day or my life any other way. I'm just saying---it's a hell of a hard thing to explain---an entire day with lots of babies. It's far too much and not even close to enough."

When I listened to that. I thought, FINALLY! Someone gets it. Someone could describe so accurately how I feel during this crazy phase of my life.

So here's to the moms. Especially those far from home and family whose husbands work twelve hour days. Keep doing what your doing and know you're not alone.

an over tired boy who won't take a pacifier.

motherhood is one hundred times more difficult than I thought it would be.

maybe it's the hours spent consoling an over tired boy who you love so much it hurts, but that fact alone won't help him sleep. and he just screams and falls asleep, then five minutes later he's screaming again.

maybe it's the husband who serves his country and loves his wife but has to leave her for days and days. how I love him for sitting on the phone with me and listening to me sob for an hour because of the over tired boy.

maybe it's because of Christmas and it's the first one I won't spend with my family. I wish I could just drive to my mom's house when husband's away and let her watch over tired boy so I can take a hot bath. then we could all snuggle and watch Christmas Vacation in front of the tree by the fire.

maybe it's the freezing rain that greeted California hours after husband left. ain't no sunshine when he's gone. the chilled air makes my bones ache.

mothers, i applaud you.

tuesday, come faster.

2 weeks

What I've learned so far...

 - You have the cutest dimple in your right cheek which makes your smile even more adorable.
 - You inherited your daddy's hairline along with his two cowlicks. Poor kid ;)
 - Night time is not your friend. You grunt and squirm all night long and mommy's hoping eliminating dairy will help us sleep!
 - You have pensive eyes and you furrow your brow a lot, like you know way more than us.
 - I think you have a Kearns nose and chin and my lips and skinny long limbs. As for your eyes... time will tell!
 - You have long slender fingers. Mommy is already planning on enrolling you in piano lessons :) Daddy thinks you'll be a great quarterback.
 - Motherhood is exhausting. I thought I knew what being tired was like before... I didn't. The lack of sleep paired with these crazy hormones makes mommy crazy vulnerable.
 - The fact that you depend on me for every thing is terrifying. You are the most perfect and tiny human and I'm constantly overwhelmed that I might screw you up. Luckily I love you more than anything, and that's what keeps us both going every day.

20 Weeks

We're halfway there! 

Baby boy is the size of a banana this week

and I'm feeling him more and more each day. 

It is really neat and a bit freaky, I'm excited for his dad to feel it!

I'm taking up more and more room on the bed with all of my pillows, 

and yet my hips still ache like crazy! I'm sure it will only get more enjoyable :)

This weekend will be wonderful and busy, Jake will finish training Friday and

we'll pack up the truck and move right after!  Which means I'll finally have my clothes back...

I'm trying hard to not get too excited, mostly because we don't even have a house yet. 

Even still my thoughts wander to our little home and the little nursery that will be inside.

I can't wait to get going on his room. So much planning. Planning is my favorite. 

Driving across the country however... 

to the mother I never met

Not long after I was born, my Grandma Olsen

passed away from many health complications. 

Although she had been gone for sometime before that, 

(probably preparing me for my arrival). 

Sometimes I think of my mom, younger than I, 

struggling to deal with being a new parent 

without having her own there to guide her. 

It's a loss I cannot imagine. 

I sat in church today listening to a man named Graham speak

of his wife who he had lost four years ago

and the four young girls she left behind.

I turned around and saw them all in tears, missing her.

My heart broke for them. How grateful I am for eternal families

and for my living, young and vibrant mother.

Happy Mothers day to a Mother unlike any other.

I know someday we'll all sit together and have 

long talks in heaven with Grandma Mary.

I know she's proud of the woman you've become. 

For last year's Mother Day post click HERE.

Matrophobia

  

 Dear Future Maternal Me:

Congratulations on conquering your fear of becoming a mother!  I knew you could do it.

Motherhood is something you've puzzled over for many years. It's a lot of responsibility, and I'm sure you feel overwhelmed most of the time. Owing to the fact that I know how stressed and forgetful you can be, I thought I would remind you of some goals you have/had concerning child rearing. 

- Teach your children sewing, cooking, nutrition, finances, and most importantly, hard work. Take the time to focus in on each child's talent and encourage them to carry out their goals.

- Be patient. You've always had a bit of a short fuse and I hope you've learned to control it. Remember to take a moment for silence and meditation. Ask your husband for help when you feel defeated. He needs reminders too.

- Get involved. Plan activities with your kids and include them in your interests. Make memories and hold traditions for them to pass on to their kids. Make family time fun and consistent. 

- Be an example. Take care of yourself and maintain a strong testimony. Always be firm in your beliefs and values. Never let your children question what you stand for and why. Take the time to study and pray for surety and guidance.

- Be trusting. Let your children make mistakes and learn on their own without you breathing down their neck or invading their privacy. Be someone they can come to when they need advice. Keep their secrets. Share the disciplinary work as a couple and always support each others decisions.  

-Make your husband and children the highest priority in life. It's important to have a social life and hobbies, but always put your family first. Never let them doubt your interest in them. Be a cheerleader and a coach. 

-Always take the high road. You have a tendency to be apathetic. If they hurt your feelings, let it go because you are the adult. No matter how stupid or childish the issue is, do not hesitate to reach out to them and listen to their troubles. Show compassion and concern for their troubles. 

Courtney, remember that you have always wanted to be a mother. At times you'll want to throw in the towel, but don't give up. It's okay to make mistakes, just take a deep breath and learn from them. Show love to your husband and support him because he'll make mistakes too. The most important thing to remember is to never let your family fall apart.

Sincerely, 

Your younger and naive self.

(READ THIS EVERY MOTHERS DAY)

A special thank you to my mother for teaching me to be the woman I am today. I am grateful for her continuous love and support. She passed down many things to me including a love for music, children, and life. A daughter's relationship with her mother is the most important and complicated relationship she'll ever have. It's something to treasure and protect, no matter what happens. I love you!